Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in meglynne's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 10th, 2007
8:45 pm	can you tell me if they've developed that technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind yet? "His mouth tasted like it always did to me... like rum and cake." I woke up at three in the morning after a bizarre dream and began writing. NO, I don't know what the hell that lead in was about, but we all know who the inspiration is. It's beena awhile since I last sat down and trully tried to figuire out where my head is at. Truth is, I don't know. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm in tears and if I'm not in tears I have this weight on my chest like I'm about to cry and I think I just freaking need to let myself fall apart, because in truth I haven't yet. There hasn't been a time when I could just lay in bed screaming and crying and feeling so fucking alone and wanting for all the world for him to hold me, but it's he who's fucking with my head in the first place. (deal with my stream of conscious and shitty spelling.) I want to pound on him and tell him how much he's hurting me and that I still love the jerk no matter what he's done, but it's getting to that point where I'm getting bitter. And in my bitterness, I'm starting to scare myself. My plastic fork had to be put away the other day. My temper, short as it's always been, is so much worse. I'm taking medicine now for all of that, and I'm doing better, but I still ache and I wish to hell I didn't. At moments when it's bad and I"m in this heinous self pity state all i can think is, if he never emailed me in the first place, I wouldn't have fallen so madly in love with him. but then, if he hadn't I'd have never had him at all. fucking catch 22. so is it realy better to mourn so deeply it hurts, or to have never met the man to mourn him? I'd still do anything for those "Confederate gray eyes." I could forgive what he's done and I want to so badly. But he pushed me away when all I wanted to do was drag him out of that funk by his pretty blond hair (if he'd ever stop dying it.) maybe i'm an idiot for still annoyingly demanding he let me in. Part of me wants to blame myself and it so hard not to. What did I not do right? How was I not good enough? Why didn't he mention this? And above all, if he's too fucking crazy to be with me, how in the hell could i have been replaced (if i have. I don't know because he won't talk to me.) The bitter part of me wants to call him up and tell him what a damn selfish chickenshit he was. Check into hosiptal. Get better. Come out and deal with that fact that you loved me so much it scared the hell out of you. Was I going anywhere? Did I EVER do anythign that might lead you to believe I'd do something to hurt you? I was ready to drag out the paint can and have a little black picket fence. Darko taught me to keep my gaurd up, not really entirely trust in a relationship. But this time I did. I was so happy with Z that I was willing to believe that everythign was going to be fine. I didn't know I shoudl have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wasn' tafraid then because I was naive and I just knew everythign was going to be okay. But it's not and now, here I am, falling apart over a guy, who's so busy he can't take five minutes out of his life to call me. I want to be over him so bad because I can't be with him. I want to be able to be with some one that can be as good to me as he was. I want there to be some one who'll look at me the way he did. I want some one to look at me in the morning, when my hair's in every direction and say, "I love my pixy." But I'm no one else's pixy, I'm Z's fucking pixy and now, he doesnt want me! fucking hell, i'm in pieces tonight. And he's now the standard that any one else has to measure up to, but they are never going to be him. For better or worse, I want him back in my life. I know what I'm getting myself into and I want it. (Insert twenty minute breakdown here.) Keeping myself busy isn't really distracting myself, but I'm trying. I decided to go to law school so now I'm studying for the LSAT. Made mom's day when I told her. I think the hope is that I have good enough grades to get scholarships anywhere. IF i pass the damned test. Theory to that was I want to do Human Rights work. Sophie won't let me go to Africa and I really don't think Amadeus wants my hypothetical kids. Even though she and Sophie will have joint custody of the heathens if anything happens to me once i have aforementioned heathens. I work crazy hours at SRVS (google it). And i hate it. People's incompetence is amazing and so annoying I just want to beat them with the mislabeled files they insist on depositing inside my office door. Fuckers. Just because it's the South does not mean the alphabet doesn't apply here. I assure you, it does. I wrote some grants and made the company some money. Yay. I don't see much of it and what I do see is goig to Persephone. Out of necessity, I've gotten better at sewing. I love Soph, but I don't know about her seamstress skills and as we're posting this for sale, I want it to look good. I like the idea. We'll see if it materializes into something more than just a dream. As for the writing... Christina and I are far to crazy to deal with each other, so I work on Darby, or anyone else willing to be my muse. I wish I coudl shrug and say I'm crazy but i"m happy but i'm not. I want to come home, but I knw if I do, i'm going to be waiting on a fantasy that's probably never going to happen. I believed in happy ending once. I believe that there is love so strong that it'll come back from the grave. So, do I believe that I'm going to open the door one day and have him standing there? I don't know, but I wish to hell he would. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
1:25 pm	sunny days it's beautiful outside today. i'm spending as much time as I dare outside in the sun. So what it's bleaching my hair blonde and adding to my collection of freckles? Liquid paper white is over rated at times. Yeah I rock it naturally, but if I'm meant to have a tan, the horror gods are just going to have to let me be me. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
6:40 pm	holy shit I never thought that this night would come, but here I am staring it in the face. The book, the bane of my existance and among my greatest loves, is done. As in, psuedo coherently complete. Yes, there is a ton of editing and ruthless revisions required, but I now have a draft. No, we're not counting the number of previous drafts. I honestly don't know how many of those there are. When I started writing this, I never thought that it would amount to much. I thought that it would amount to much. I thought that it would be a few pages long at most. At that point, it would have been a major accomplishment. Shawn's loss was still fresh and raw and I was struggling to cope. Living in that trailer as a daily battle not to just fucking kill myself. When I started this, I found place to hide and to safely vent. The characters came alive. Silly, but I came alive. You know, I can still remember handing Amadeus the first fifteen pages of the original rough draft. Again, this was a huge deal to me. In the subsequent years, she has read hundreds of pages of crap and genius. I don't know what I would do without her. Amadeus, I'm aware that you'll probably read this. If it wasn't for you, i might have abandoned this damn thing ages ago. You were the person that has kept me motivated. You get so much done that I feel like I should try to keep up. I should also at this point mention a new comer in my inner circle, Ms. jenna p. who is currently without a nickname. She too has been telling me that I'm not a hack and that I need to keep going. Thank J. When I began writing this, it was for me. And Shawn. Then it dawned on me that if it got published, I could make money. Once that hung over me, things went to hell. But you guys brought me back and now it's done. (Ready for book Two?) My beloved family is unaware of the current state of my book. I haven't been mentioning it because I really don't want them reading it until it's on shelves. I think I worry that some might be offened, but it's not like I based any characters on them. I did however base the damn thing in Memphis. No matter what, it's home. Maybe I'll move back there and be a Harbor Town type. But New York is cool too and I want to go back, if only to play for awhile. Not like I have a family of my own holding me back. But I wish I did. Anyway... I wish Shawn was still here. I don't know qhat he'd say, but I know I miss him. There won't be a da in my life when I won't. This book, I guess I'm ready to admit, is sort of a way to resurrect him, but not really. Let's hear it for necromancers. (Too bad they don't really exist.) Missing people is a fucking theme in my life. Goddamn him, I still miss Z. I sent him a message the other day, short and sweet. Ugh. Probably explains why I woke up in tears on Saturday after a bad dream. Not so much a bad dream, but an emotionally traumatizing one. I dreamt that he and I had gone for coffee. At that little get together, he felt the need to tell me that he's still fucked up, but that he'd met/ was with some chick named Jeanie and she was great. Though it was a dream, I woke up feeling inadequate, not good enough. The designation on his page as being in a relationship isn't helping me because I wonder if he really has met some one and moved on. And then I have to wonder if he found some one else while we were still together and claimed insanity as a way out without cheating. But it's Z and I doubt it. If that all's the case, there'll be no forgiving him. This still really hurts. Part of me wants to move on, but that other part of me won't. I really thought that he could have been the one. I'm such a fucking fool. And I know I need to get over this because he is never going to come try to sweep me off my feet even though I'm hoping that he will. I feel like this was his round about way of cutting ties. Fucking boys. it just still really hurts. Dammit, I thought he'd be the one here with me when I finished this. I feel like he's haunting me, standing over my should, but he's not. Thus, the feeling like a widow. Maybe I'll write him Lemony Snickett esque acknowledgements. I want some one to be with me celebrating, but I'm not entirely up to accepting the offers I've gotten. And if he has found some one, how pathetic am I for mourning? I get the feeling that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my damn life. Sure, I'll have Amadeus, my twelve cats and three Vietnamese children, but I won't have that partner I thought I'd found in Z. This abandonement theme can be seen in my dear Darby. (Like how I brought the rant back to the book?) It's a big deal, finishing. That kind of got lost in all that rambling. I don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I'm fucking giddy. So i'm going to go do ... something. Thank you all for everythign you have ever done for me. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, and you all know how you are. I love you all. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
4:23 pm	dear memphis Dear Memphis; I love you and you should love me too. For four years I have been tirelessly devoted to you. As you are aware, Tavalya-Ra is the only other entity that I have been as devoted to. Never once have I considered betraying you for another. Yet, I fear that the time is drawing near for us to part ways. You see Memphis, at four years old, you are rapidly becoming a relic. Until this point you have been aging gracefully. I fear that some form of technological Althzimers is beginning to affect you. Memphis, my dear, I promise to remain steadfastly with you until the end. But please don't die any time soon. Please and thank you, Tatum (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 12th, 2007
8:30 pm	playing in the sandbox It's important to remind myself to be calm and to take deep breaths. I wish the situation were different and that the parties involved were atleast on speaking terms, but apparently, I'm still getting the silent treatment. But I lived in silence for four years and I am going to be just fine. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
5:11 pm	facts of life And suddenly, my life seems complete. The reasons I say this are neither good nor bad, I think, but have become merely facts of my existance. The only thing I can do right now is accept them and try to move on with my life in as normal a manner as possible. For me, I don't know what this looks like, but I know I have people around me that will help me get through whatever insanity my unbalanced mind conjures up. First, addressing the issue of my mental illness...I am beginning to scare myself. Last semester I was in the midst of this crushing depression where I really thought that the world was out to get me. If I wasn't hiding under my desk, I was crying there. I'd call Z and rant to him about such meaningless shit that it is no wonder I drove the guy away. My own fault or his own organic bullshit, I'm still trying to decide which, but the point is, he's gone. Anyway, I'm not as depressed as I was. Sure, I still have my moments, but who doesn't? No, now I've moved onto this really bizarre psuedo manic/violent phase. It worries me because I can sit here with my plastic fork and rant and rave about nonsence like a homeless guy with no pants ranting about the universe, but I feel like it's a cover for the shit that goes on in my head. And I know I'm going to loose it one of these fine days. I don't think I'd hurt anyone, but god help them, I can't say that I won't take them apart verbally. We all know how good I am at that. I may not be all bunnies and butterflies in my head, (more like werewolves and moths), but it's doing a hell of a good turn with my writing. Since the start of the semester, I have filled a binder with short stories. Some may be absorbed into existing stuff, but the majority are stand alone pieces. I'm enjoying the brief glimpse into these characters rather than having to be married to them for long periods of time, trying to figure out who they are as people and what motivates them. Those moments in their lives are easy to get into and out of. And it's letting me play with characters that have minor roles in other stuff. It's been so long since I was able to sit down and turn out page after page of stuff. The novel is being neglected again because Christina and I are too crazy to talk to each other (bad things when you're too fuct to write from the p.o.v. of a skitso vamp, huh? lol.) I've been working on Birdland. No hope of finisihing it anytime soon. I write scenes for that piece as I "see" them. Yeah, I know it makes no sense, but it works for me. After the last doctor's appointment, it was just easy to get into a Tami frame of mind. Easy when you get baddish news. Apparently, that nifty little murmur that I've been ignoring has gotten a bit worse. I'm beginning to wonder if I should be concerned, but I figure that it hasn't killed me yet, so why bother? I feel fine most days. I really think that the stress of school is getting to me and that it's causing so many other issues. I'm going humor a bunch of people and get it all checked out and dealt with soon. No sense letting a cough turn into pnuemonia again. Of an unrelated topic... An exboyfriend is beginning to stalk me. No, I'm not being melodramatic. This would be some one I knew for two years of high school and then subsequently dated while in college. The relationship ended three years ago after I had a breakdown/left him for Darko (I didn't say it was a wise decision)/left because I was beginning to be frightened of him. The asshat and I had a scare and after that, I refused to sleep with him anymore. Fancy that, huh? Well, that didn't sit well with him and everytime we saw each other it got brought up. Also, I was supporting the relationship. In all, it wasn't helathy for either us, so I left. He was a nice enough guy, but he was getting tweaky enough that I was beginning to question my safety. Anyway, skip ahead to present day. I ran into a mutal friend in passing a few weeks ago, and called him to see if he knew when the friend's kid was due. We ended up catching dinner and a movie together (as friends), which was fine. But then he got it into his head that I HAD to see his new apartment. That would have been fine if I hadn't gotten the feeling that somethign was NOT right. He kept offering me a drink. We all know I don't drink. In any event, I had him bring me back to Mom's. Fine. He has started calling me three or more times a day, at all hours of the day. It's like, even if I was looking to date some one, it sure as hell would NOT be this guy. I still feel like a widow. Yeah, silly, but it's the best I got. There's this guy on campus that it cool enough, but I have no interest in pursuing anything because it feels like cheating almost. Z was the one to walk away, but still...it's me and I'm loyal to the damn grave. Z hasn't called, texted or emailed. Some part of me had hoped that he would atleast keep in touch, but thus far he hasn't. I'm not about to push the issue, but it still hurts. Though I was ready to pour my life into a relationship with him, it is hard not to feel used. Some part of me wants to hope that he'll want to be with me again, but I can't let myself think that. I still love the jerk. Hell, my cat gave him the stamp of approval. He should have been the right one. Shea is going to live. The vet, saint that she is, has called every day to check on her. Mom fed the girls some of the food on the recall list unintentionally. She had to bring Roxy in to get her eye looked at/medicated on Wednesday. The cats hadn't been friends since. On Friday, mom told me Shea had been hiding in my room for days. That's where Jack went when he was getting ready to die, so I began to worry. Shea was laying on my bed and curled up next by me and began breathing funny, like she was going to be sick. The next morning, mom went to pet her belly and she screamed like she was in pain. So we rushed her to the vet. They did some blood work and gave her fluids. Menufoods is paying the bill. I don't know what I'd do with out that cat. She's like my baby. When I go to write, there she is, purring in my ear. I know how insane it sounds to say that the person that loves me best is my cat, but let's think about it. She's never abandoned me for some one better and she doesn't care that I yell in my sleep. I wish I could find some one that loved me as unconditionally as my cat. I'm going to go drink bad coffee. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
6:29 pm	so you want your fingers broken, huh? i am being calm. my fork is close at hand though. upon openning Word, i found that files i know i haven't touched in a while were listed as those last used and things i had been working on earlier weren't on the list. instead of perhaps over reacting, i am simply going to react in the following way: I am pass coding everything. if i find that something has been touched in my abscence, further action will be taken. i don't know why it happened, and i'm not making accusations. i am simply increasing security. i had wanted to do it for a while anyway. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
5:52 pm	Black hearts day Classes were cancelled today. Good thing too. I didn't get out of bed until well after twelve. I was awake, but I just couldn't make myself move. One of those nifty days of crushing depression us goths are famous for. Just ask my mom. My mind was off on its own little tangent and I was helpless to stop it. Darkened rooms are great for depressive thoughts first thing in the morning. What was bugging me, you ask? This whole shitty thing with Z, that's what. I keep trying to tell myself that it can't rain all the time, because that's what Shawn would tell me if he was still alive. But he's gone, I'm here; and I feel like I'm loosing Z. This whole thing started a few weeks ago now when he began to get moody and depressed. Since then it's only gotten worse. Where as we used to talk for hours, I am now lucky to get five minutes out of him. Now I'm down to texts. I know he's distancing himself from me. I wish he knew what it was doing to me, but with everything going on, I don't want to bring it up. He has his own hell to get through right now. I guess this is mine. Having gone through this before and knowing chapter and verse don't make it any easier. If it were Darko putting me through this, I would know what is going to come next. He would start pulling this shit, distancing himself. And in another few weeks, he would call and tell me that he was just too crazy to be in a relationship with me. Some part of me tells me that this is what Z is about to do, to tell me that hurting me now is better than dragging it out over months. But I am choosing to be here. Not that it matters because if he decides to push me away, there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like this is my fault. He told me that his evil ex was able to pull him out of this once before. I feel so inadequate because I can't help. He stopped saying that he loves me. I want to ask him why because I think I deserve an answer, dammit. I want to know why. What have I done that he would stop saying this to me? when I say I love and am met with silence on the other end, it kills me. If he doesn't say I love you, is it that he really doens't love me anymore? And if that's the case, what the hell? I want to be with him. I want my happy boy back, and I know that i'm not going to get him back for a while. Jamie is having her boyfriend over. She's hasn't really let me forget that Z isn't here, has no intention of being here. Why should this Valentine's be any different from the last one? Just one of those truly awful days when hurting yourself physically seems like a better option than continuing to hurt yourself emotionally. Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
7:58 pm	train wrecks that you cheer for Weddings and engagements are like train wrecks. you see them coming up and there is nothing you can do to avoid it, and yet you don't even want to avoid it. you want to see it. and as a girl, every now and then you want to participate, not in the clean up of the aftermath, but as it occurs. while Z and i haven't reached the point yet where he would ask or even consider asking, I can't help but look. Damn my roomie. sad thing is i already sort of know what i would like the ring to look like and have been looking because of roomie. getting my hopes up? probably. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 19th, 2007
1:28 pm	help a girl out hey kiddies, No, there is nothing seriously wrong with me. (Hush you willing to debate whether borderline mental illness counts.) I do however have a problem. A psuedo problem. A brian fart if you will. I've had a lot of sugar, tons caffiene, a bit of vicodin and little sleep. I'm in a manic writing mode, and there in lies my problem. I could work on any of the billion and twelve things i have started, but I don't wanna. Working on them while I'm this loopy is how I end up with characters arguing who gets to kill the Easter Bunny. (Don't ask.) I'm afraid it has come to this: I need some help. My little day book goes everywhere with, as some of you know. I write about interesting people, like the homeless woman who hangs out at the local bus shelter licking the glass and cutesy puppies and random other crap. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (insert Bond theme here) is to send me prompts. Take the example of the woman at the bus shelter. All that I'd need was "woman at bus shelter". Send me snippets about conflict, settings, whatever else you want. If it turns into anything, I'll be sure to thank you in the credits. Talk to you all later. me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006
12:45 pm	roommate issues redux the long and the short of this story is, if you know someone looking for a roomie in westfield, i'm your girl. my roommate is an immature, anorexic adderall addict. and she smells too. somebody help me. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 4th, 2006
8:55 pm	my monsters So this was the BIG weekend. Mom finally met my beloved Z and no one died. While this may seem like a minor accomplishment to some, I was expecting death and serious injury. in any event, she liked him. i won't rehash the evening, not because anything particularly naughty happened, but because that would just be redundant. sufice it say we had Chinese food, watched the Princess Bride (because we're eighties kids) and went to Brigth Nights. But not in that order. focus on Bright Nights, because ultimately that's the important part. Bright Nights is this massive Christmas lights display. you drive through it because it covers the whole park. any way, we went. hey, he's from out of state. it was also romantic, or would have been had there been snow. details... anyway, as we were driving, the topic of children came up. I've got my heart set on three kids. Z is a bit intimidated by the number, but admits to going back and forth about the subject. long and the short of it is, atleast in part we agree on something. I'd love to stay home with my kids, be the little house wifey thing while he was working. that's not to say I'd bail on my writing or that i'd solely be Kool-Aide Mom. but at the same time, i wouldn't bail on my kids or allow their father to either. i grew up without a father and i can't imagine putting my kids through it. with Z, i don't think that would be a worry. i mean, he hasn't gone screaming yet, has he? nope. kids are way in the future. like three or four years, if not more. and some traditional part of me would want to be married to the little monster's father. my mother should have taught me that marriage doesn't work, but i have to beleive that's her issue and not mine. some part of me wants a big church wedding and stuff like that. hell, maybe i'll even wear the white dress. it's a HUGE maybe/eventually. I'll worry about it later. like when and if i ever get asked. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
5:33 pm	well, i know what i want for my birthday atleast... Yesterday was tuesday, so in Megland that means a trip to Haven, my new home away from home. i went with justin, hoobiewhatzit and their friend eric. we were meeting our frind gaila and hoobie's friend Joe at the club. fine. we got there early as hell and proceeded to stand around glowering at people for awhile. we're good like that. (wildly unchronological, but what the hell? i'm going to be playing COLUMBIA and occasionally MAGENTA in Rocky Horror. wooohooo!) I went outside and called Z because that's what i do... talked to him, okay ranted to him for a bit and felt slightly better. WARNING: RANT TO FOLLOW! i posted a thing about a chick who has this boyfriend who is sapping away her sense of self. same chick. she sends me a text yesterday at like seven thirtyish saying that she got some bad news, i sent one back saying to just spit it out. she sends me one saying that it was about her brother. she has told us that she has an older brother who was wounded in the Iraq War. fine. i was getting pissed because i thought it was a pay attention to me stunt and you just DON'T go there with me. ever. not if you want to stay friends with me. in nay event, she says the brother commited suicide last night. when i talked to her, she seemed way to calm and collected for that. she proceeded to send me texts saying not to send flowers, not to send cards and not to cal her house. she's called four times today in tears, not because her brother is supposedly dead, but because her cell phone is going to be shut off because her parents won't pay the four hundred dollar bill. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER??????????? hearing all of that shit depressed the hell out of me. oh, and thanks a fucking ton, mr. tv at haven operator guy for playing The Crow. loved it. thanks. and then to play love song as the movie is on.... thanks. you guys suck. makin me miss my brother... so after that little tangent, i'll get back to what i was saying. we were all bored. ok, the boys and i were bored. hoobie was flirting with a girl who was flirting with someone else. so her joe was being ignored. i felt bad for the poor bastard. he drove down from new hampshire to see her. what a guy. from haven we went to Denny's. that was a riot. between gaila's smuglled in McDonald's and the whip cream on eric's nose, it was full of wildly inappropirate humor. but i took pictures for those that weren't there. *cough, Z, cough*... at two, we left, willingly i might add. all was going well until the boys, hoobie and i were mid way to southwick. we heard this thump and were all going what the fuck, but ignored it. we got hoobie home and continued back to westfield. okay, so we tried to do that. turns ou that pop was the sound of justin's tire giving out. we spent a lovely hour and a half on the side of 91 waiting for the staties to show up and change the tire. i finally walked into my room, got naked and went to bed at quarter to five in the mornign. the moral to this story is that i now know what i want for my birthday. i want a battery for my watch. not a new watch, a battery for the one i have. see, every time i don't wear my watch somethign bad happens. i fell down the stairs and sprained an ankle once. there was plane crash and oh, now a flat tire. and the funny thing is, as i was leaving i thought about going back to get it because of that reason. just goes to show that sometimes there is a basis for superstitions. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
1:12 pm	miniskirt and a mad hatter there's no reason for the title other than the passing attempt at alliteration. so i was standing in front of my closet today wondering what the hell to put on the body. because there are laws that say i have to. that and it was really cold in my room this morning and walking around naked in the freezing cold is just no fun. in any event.... i need to invest in the 3M corporation, i swear. i go through how many lint rollers in a month? so far we're up to three. may be the problem is that most of my hang up clothes are all black. or maybe it's roxy and shea's fault. nope, can't blame the kitties. they's plot against me. i know it. grr. i get to see Z on my birthday and it's not getting here fast enough! mercifully, i'll be all made up and pretty on that night. we're taking pictures of us. and i'll post 'em on myspace, because that's just what ya do apparently, lol. he took a decent enough pic of me when i was at his place and he sent it to me as a comment. however, he hasn't posted it on his page and i'm wondering why. i'm sure there's a valid reason and i'm not going to say a word about it because it treads the line of being an annoying girl thing to do and let's face it, my hysterical phone calls win that one. if he was anyone else, i'd be in a tizzy going, "WTF, am i not cute enough, is there someone else?" (don't argue, in past relationships it has been a point to be made.) but Z isn't like that. i found me a good one and i intend to keep him. i found soemthing i want and we all know how i can be when i set my mind on something... he's wonderful, what more can i say? still really scary in some respects that i'm willing to trust him this much, but it's hiim and i want to. moving along.....still no word from the family about my birthday. i always tell them i hate making lists because it feels so demanding and stuff. maybe that's the mindset. or maybe i'm getting a pony, nevermind the fact that i've been riding a total of three times in my life and i'm terrified of actually riding a horse. i know i'm being remarkably self centered, but it's the one day a year when i want them to make a big deal of me. maybe they're waiting until the day off to call me and yell surprise. you know what i mean, let me think they all forgot about it and then do something? i'd be soooooo pissed if they did. it's a shitty thing to fuck with my head like that. not cool. and amadeus' birthday is comign up too. i'm plotting for her, but "i'll never tell....." Current Mood: groggy (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 15th, 2006
6:58 pm	going to the mall is escapism. nothing more. but of course, you can't just go up to the mall and not look around.... so that's what i did today. for the most part. i looked at clothes that i can't possibly afford and tried on a pair of vinyl pants. needless to say, they didn't come home with me. they looked okay, but still, i couldn't justify the chunkc of change to myself for clothes that i won't wear that often and wouldn't stay on for very long when i did. (hehe) i did get a new sweater, but it's getting cold and we all know i hate that. my birthday is in a few weeks. yippee. i'm in no hurry to celebrate. i mean, getting to see Z is going to be the best thing about it. halloween at haven. woohoo. i don't know why i'm so down. well, yes i do. halloween, despite being such a fun holdiday and all that has become just a day, another day to give my mother large amounts of money, another day to be made to feel badly about myself and a day that no one makes a big deal of me. hopefully living away from my mother will be different. maybe she won't be there with her hand out saying she needs the money i got for my birthday for school. (two weeks later she and rodney started hauling pieces of a nativity set that cost more than a semester at HCC.) she keeps telling me that when she's dead i'll get them. i have to bite my tongue to keep from telling the bitch that i plan on destroying them. this year is weird all the way around. usually the fam starts asking about what i want and i hate it, but this year.... nothing. maybe i'm finally getting that pony i asked for when i was five. haha. computer is still fucked up. i tried to turn it on and do some work, but it was to no avail. psycho said she ahd brought it to homicide harry, but as it turns out all she fucking did was leave it in my room to collect dust. then she tried to fix it. it's probably more damaged now that the drunk messed with it. i feel like crying. again. that computer is my life and i can't seem to make her understand that i need that machine to feel like myself. being a writer is come to be how i ultimately define myself. forget everything else. i've never wanted anything more. Z is sick but is getting better. so it's my turn to get sick.... yay. maybe it's just stress. which wouldn't be a bad thing. i could lose a few more pounds.... thank you sheena. anyway, hearing that he's gettign better is good to know. and yeah.... i like him. lots. i keep getting told to be careful and to take things slowly and for the most part i can agree with this bit of caution. however, i'm willing to be a bit reckless. i want to fall for this guy and it scares the hell out of me. that alone is trusting him enough not to be creepy or anything like that and trusting him not to hurt me. which he wouldn't. but he's wonderful and there is some part of me that woudl consider bringing him to meet the grandparents.... never done that before. i dunno. heart on my sleeve as usual. we'll see how it goes, but i'm really hopeful and optimistic. in other news.... yeah, no other news. T.K.R. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:39 am	my babies are sick the title of this entry says it all - memphis and z are both ill and i'm unable to do anything for either of them. memphis is back in my custody at the very least. i've been told that the repair should be relatively simple once it has been looked at with half a sober mind. mercifully, i know someone.... i feel better knowing that this chunk of my life is about to be returned to me. z is sick. like, let me put my life on hold to take care of you sick. everytime i talk to him, it kills me to hear his hoarse voice and the sniffles. and it hurts that i'm not there taking care of him. i want to be there making him chicken noodle soup, fluffing pillows, etc, etc. i feel like i'm neglecting him in that i haven't managed to go runnign up there yet. but i swear it's not for lack of wanting to be there. it's funny to me that i'm willing to get sick myself to be there with him. maybe i'm falling for him..... (probably not the thing to admit to myself or to my livejournal...) it's all good. hopefully he'll be fine soon. i really hope so. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
1:03 am	on behalf of all those cheated on.... i wish some one had told me sooner what a dirt bag rob was and that i had listened when they finally did. i wish i could have avoided that experience, but like a whole big club of people before me, the choice was never mine. i say all this because i find myself in being in the unenviable position of having to smack some sence into one of my friends. i like the girl i really do,and i want nothing but the best for her. eight months ago, she was one of the most determined, strong willed people i knew. she had soooo much going for her and then.... she gave it all up to go live with her bf in another state. i supported her decision because at the time it seemed like the best thing for her. but now she's back in mass, at the bf's insistance to "finish school". she wants to go, but realistically it will be awhile. her incentive was that when she finished school, they'd get engaged/married/ whatever.... but he proposed to her. i don't know if i can support it because in the last few months i watched her become this shell of the person she was. she whines, at great length, about how people are giving her what she wants. (a bit more to that, but you get the point) she has become so dependent on her bf that it bothers me. she was never the type of person that would have allowed this to become of herself. i'm not this bf's biggest fan, but i tolerate him. earlier this week she texted me about the fact that she couldn't reach him for two solid days. she didn't answer the phone and no one that she could contact knew where he was. his explanation was that he went fishing. while it is a plausible explanation in this one scenario, i feel the need to point out to her that this shas happened before. she seems willing to forget that. i'm in no rush to have to point this out. at the same time i do feel (at times) like telling her to put her big girl panties on and grow the hell up. i wish her fantasy comes true, but i live in the cold, bitter real world (most of the time). maybe i'm just a cynic. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
12:15 pm	condensed misadventures There's so much to say since i last wrote that i don't really know where to start. the logical place is at the beginning, but the beginning is now eight and a half years in the past and going back all that time seems a bit redundant. i knw the back story. doesn't mean that everyone else needs to know. but to apprieciate the progress i feel like i've made it does, in vaguely, vailed ways, i have to bring it up. again. yesterday would have been Shawn's birthday. in depressed moments i can sit here and think, "well it's one more year without an additional candle on the cake and he's still not back." i remember that i can keep him alive, that i do keep him alive, in memories and dreams and in that one surviving photo of us placed on an altar for El Dia De Los Muertos. robert smith said it best when he sang "living on in memories and dreams is not enough, it never is." and it's true. i saw an ad yesterday for a book by that guy who wrote Tuesdays with Morrie. the new book is called One more Day, or something close enough to that. it begs the question, what if you had one more day with a loved one you lost? i don't know what i'd do with that day and i'll never get the chance to find out. it wouldn't change the fact that he'd be going anyway. i didn't even go to visit him yesterday. it's the second year that i've managed to keep myself out of the cemetery. i don't know if i'll go in march, the day he decided to leave us. i've talked to amadeus about this insanity at length and she made the point that i must feel like if i let go, even just a bit, it's like Shawn was never there at all. she's right. losing my brother is something that i am never going to completely recover from, but at this time i feel like i can atleast let the dead rest in peace. finally. maybe this is growing up... well, now that i've completely bummed myself out for the day, let me tell you about what else is going on.... blowing off classes, i went up to NoHO yesterday. i had a doctor's appt at tapestry. after a half hour of arguing with them, convincing that my blood pressure is usually that low, they handed me my meds and quite freaking happily, i left. i'm feeling much at ease about the whole situation. for me, it means no more suffering for two weeks at a time, no more violent and bizzare mood swings and no more eating vicodin like candy. oh, and then there are the other fringe benefits of it, but at the moment, i'm stoked that i won't be miserable anymore. Yipee! also, while in NoHo, I liberated a rather sexy dress from Sid Vintage. i saw rob's old heather (because you have to make that distinction these days. stupid girls) in a dress similiar to it on Tuesday night at Haven and for half a second, i was ready to scratch the skinny bitch's eyes out. but it wasn't the same dress and mine looks better anyway. it's red tapestry material with black designs on it. it has corset lacing in the back, spaghetti straps and looks amazing on. however, the straps need to be altered and the skirt is a bit long for my liking. all easily fixed things. let's all ignore the heft price tag though... thank you grandma and grandpa. no doubt not what you had in mind when you said "things i need", but ... it's pretty! i can be girlie. to prove just that, my next stop was to WeePing. to those that know NoHo... well the dress is pretty but the things that went under said dress needed to match. i picked up this really cute jammie set too. too bad the damn thing is more than a little see through. oops. i talked to my lovely boy last night for all of five minutes, but it was five minutes longer than we had spoken the day before. i miss him so badldy. i know how insane that sounds, i really do. but it's not like i get to see him everyday or anything. tlaking back and forth on the computer in ims helps, but it's not the same as hearing his voice. sunday can't get here soon enough. my cell phone isn't charging and i have NO battery life left whatsoever. so i have to go tonight to see about getting it fixed. or a new phone. hopefully my mother will buy the damn thing and call it a birthday present. hopefully. because getting my hair fixed tonight is going to cost a pretty penny too. i still can't believe that scissor happy she-beast did this much damage to my freaking hair all because she wanted to leave. boycott, anyone? i'm still pissed, what can i say? i think i've ranted enough for now. i'll talk to y'all later. T.K.R. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
11:04 am	houston, we have a problem westfield is in the middle of nowhere, i'm convinced of it. don't bother dragging out maps and telling me other wise. i won't believe you. a few days ago i tried to talk to my lovely Z for over an hour but of that hour we spoke for may half. the phone kept losing signal, turning itself off, and basically being a pain in the ass. and it bothered me. i've gotten to this point where i like hearing from him and it bothers me when i can't talk to him because the cell phone won't let me. such bullshit. i have to have ti replaced asap. i know that. it's just one more bill that i wasn't expecting having to pay. story of my fucking life. i won't turn this into a woe is me tangent. i do enough of that anyway. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm really not happy here and don't know if i can ever be happy here. afterall, teaching is the fall back plan. i'm so screwed if i can't get published. my hands are trembling, way to much coffee. and i have to go de-lint what i'm wearing to Haven tonight. atleast i have my projects. and plans. i might get a new phone on wednesday before the thing that i have to do. we'll see i guess. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 29th, 2006
3:53 pm	typically, what mom doesn't know doesn't kill her but i want her to know Having been alone for so long, it feels wonderful to have finally met someone as great as Z. Each day is new and I'm always thrilled to hear from him. So it's a highlight of my day, what of it?! Let me be girlie and silly for a bit. I don't even mind the constant teasing and rampant blushing, LOL. I'm ridiculously happy and that's what I'm going with. As happy as i am, as we are, there is the potential for one very large headache - my mother. Of late she has interfered in my relationships with what she percieves as the best of intentions. However, her meddling fucked things up in past relationships. That's not to say that there weren't problems already existing, but she did nothing to help the situation. Let's all remember my midnight curfew when I was seeing Rob and the ever popular "I want your plate number," when I was dating Darko. (True, I was 17 when we started seeing each other, but he never would have {physically} hurt me.) Point to that is, she didn't trust me with them or them with me. Still not sure which way that went. She tried to control me and living in her house, it mostly worked. I won't go back home again if it means she'll treat me like that again. That's part of my concern with her reaction to Z, that she'll try to pull the same shit again. I will not lose him because her insecure insanity! It's my life dammit! Part of me wants to tell her all about him right now. I want her to be happy for me, us. I want her to be happy that I've met a man that treats me like a freaking princess. We're talking opens doors, pulls chairs and listens when I ramble, er... speak and didn't get to annoyed when I lead us on a penny hike up to Northhampton (Hon, if it makes you feel any better we got lost for over an hour trying to come back to my dorm last night.) Patty made the comment that she could see that she could tell we were "just a bit gone for each other". Funny that she noticed this and in all I'm not super close to her. It might take my mom a minute to get beyond the uber yummy long red hair, but after that I would hope that she can see who I do. He's driven and intelligent and knows what he wants out of life and so much more. Normally, this is the type of guy that anyone would want to bring home to mom. But with me, I hesitate because I don't meet her standards. She wishes I was someone/something other than what I have grown to be. I wish so much that she could take a step back and see me as others do, or atleast how I hope others see me. Eventually, she will either accept me and Z or I'll have to limit her involvement in my life. This isn't a decision born of a pouting angry outburst, this is something that I've had to think about since the day in therapy when she announced that she was still pissed off that dad took off, that I LIVED, and that she was stuck being my mother. Tells ya a lot, huh? In my perfect world, Z will be around for a while. And though it may be a pain in the ass to obtain, my dorm room should be proof enough that I eventually get what I want. Like that red dress that I've almost talked myself into, or out of as the case goes. Whatever..... But it's really pretty! Short red clingy thing with tapestry material, black background, bright red embroidery all over and stays in all the right places and enough binding/support that I don't have to worry about falling out of it, ahem. I went window shopping last night and in the light of day, I find myself dreading the credit card bill that's to come from this trip next Wednesday. Anyway, in other news (because the Venti white chocolate mocha just hit me like a caffinated truck) Terry's right, I do need that blue nightgown. I'm pale enough that bright colors like that kick ass on me. Just wish my hair was still long... *pout* I think I need to go run laps around the Center. Talk to y'all later. T.K.R. Current Mood: hyper Current Music: georgia on my mind (Comment on this)